WHAT NOT TO WEAR, On Your Heart 
Advice from the Trenches

     Changing and updating one's outward appearance is the goal of the TV show, What Not To Wear. If you haven't caught this show on TLC it goes something like this--an unsuspecting woman (or occasional man) is turned in by her friends and family for the way she dresses and looks.  Generally, the person presents herself to the world as something other than classy, fashionable, and professional.  The crimes range from too much cleavage and vulgar sexiness, to plain old frumpiness. Once the person is targeted for the makeover, secret videos are recorded as this person goes through life.  Of course, the secret footage highlights their "presentation crimes" in all their glory and are shown to the selected fashion disaster to convince her that she really needs and deserves some help.  The fashion advisors, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, offer the person $5,000. if they will put their wardrobe, hair, and makeup in their hands for self-improvement and and an updated look.  As these TV shows go, the person immediately sees their desperate need, although at times reluctantly, and agrees to the intervention.  Generally, at the end of the show the person returns to their friends and family with a new more flattering wardrobe, haircut, and makeup.  Here's the interesting part--to change the outward appearance requires some inner change.  It requires the person to look within and see just why they are presenting themselves they way they are.  Just why were they dressing like a waitress at Hooters, or like a wallflower left behind at the school dance?  What was in deep their heart that was showing itself to the world so clearly.  To embrace changes, even very positive changes, requires a lot of soul searching, self-examination, and a willingness to see things in a new way. 

     

     Outer behavior and tough inner change brings me to the point of this post. You see, I celebrated my 24th wedding anniversary this week.  That is a very long time in one's life to walk alongside another human being.  To make babies with that person.  To see him or her in every conceivable situation.  To see the very best, and the very worst, in that person and allow them to see the same things in you.  It's a big deal.  A very big deal. That said, it was a struggle in so many ways.  A journey of self-discovery, truths and deceptions, as well as unexamined expectations and beliefs. I would be the biggest hypocrite if I didn't tell you that along this path I have accumulated a huge book of regrets.  A book written on my heart that sometimes taunts and hurts me.  So many things I did and said I now wish I could undo, as well as so many things I just failed to do and say.  But my book of regrets would have no meaning if I didn't take a hard look inside and see what I have learned.  Like inappropriate or dowdy clothes that need to be thrown in the garbage, the attitudes and beliefs that led me to the regretful behaviors need to be dumped and replaced if the journey is going to improve and reflect who I am today.  As one with a colossal book of regrets, I offer myself to you now as an advisor, and hope I can entice you to be willing to look within, to God, and to your heart, and make some positive changes.  Changes that might spare you another page in your book of regrets. Changes that might give you an all new look.  

     One useful thing I can offer you is to carefully examine what you believe is the foundation and purpose of your relationship.  Be honest.  What exactly do you expect to get from being in a relationship, or marriage, with someone?  Are you looking for someone to make you happy by adding to your life in some tangible ways, more than you're thinking of what you have to add to their life?  Could it be that you are believing this person will be a mirror to validate you, adore you, and never have a thought or desire contrary to yours?  Or perhaps, that they will help you fulfill your dreams and goals?  Are you believing that your aim is to find your soulmate?  Here's my take on that--soulmates are not discovered, but rather cultivated. 

     The popular fantasy perpetuated by movies, television, and dating websites (ones that make big bucks, I might add) is that you are in search of your perfect soulmate.  The one who is perfect for you.  The one you who is a perfect fit for you and your dreams in every possible way.  Please don't shoot this messenger, but may I tell you the truth? There is no perfect soulmate waiting for you to discover him or her.  There are really great people out there who have a lot of qualities that would contribute to a happy committed life, such as faithfulness, kindness, compassion, diligence, a desire to learn, and a desire to love and serve God.  On the other hand, there people out there who have qualities that definitely won't wear well in the long run, such as selfishness, impulsiveness, addictive behavior, arrogance, laziness, unfaithfulness, and hostility to God and all authority. These negative qualities should be total and complete deal breakers right up front.  Don't enter into marriages with anyone whose life is marked by these qualities. I can tell you definitively, these qualities, both good and bad, will mark your life with someone in more ways than I can say. 

     That said, nobody is going to be perfect for you.  Will some be a better fit? Yes. Will someone come along who seems like the best fit?  Yes.  But, perfect fit?  No.  Nor will they necessarily see things the way you do, always adore you, and make you happy day in and day out.  That's unrealistic and if you go into a relationship hoping for those things to occur you will surely be very, very disappointed and ultimately leave in search of your "true" soulmate.  Your search will never end because that person does not exist. 

      Dictionary.com defines soulmate as "a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond."   So, my single friends, I offer you this--(taking the negative deal breaker qualities out of the equation entirely) look for someone with whom you have a mutual romantic spark, shared values and tastes, and cultivate a romantic bond.  Married friends, once you have made that choice, spend your life doing all the things that will develop and sustain a strong affinity for one another, shared values and tastes, and a hardcore romantic bond. Don't allow outside relationships of any kind that don't encourage your marriage completely.  Friends, flirtations, and outside relationships, that do anything to undermine your satisfaction with your partner, or encourage fantasies that exclude your mate, are self-destructive and dangerous.  Also, if others think you two look more like brother and sister than lovers and friends, you have a problem.  Cultivate your romance and friendship and don't ever let your friends, co-workers, or acquaintances get the best you, while your spouse gets your dark side.  

     Finally, stop asking yourself, like the old Janet Jackson song, "what have you done for me lately?"  Instead, ask yourself, "what have I done for you lately?"  Think a whole lot more of what you have to contribute to the relationship, and the other person's well-being, and a whole lot less of what you're hoping they'll do for you or probably haven't done for you.  Look for ways to make your partner smile.  Look for ways to make them feel safe.  Look for ways they need your help and affection.  Look, look, and look some more for ways to enhance and show love to your partner. 

     If you're reading this I believe it's not an accident.  Perhaps, if you're like me, God is showing you some secret footage of how you really appear, and maybe you're not entirely liking what you see.  Perhaps, it's time for an updated approach and look.  Perhaps, it's time to purposefully and intentionally make some changes--changes in your heart that will eventually show in your outward behavior.  Changes that will bless you, and ultimately leave you with a bit smaller book of regrets.  Perhaps it's time.